It’s been 2011 for a little while now, and it’s probably slightly too late for a blog to still be posting 2010 retrospective bullshit, but hey it took me a long-ass time to get this written, so fuck it. Anyway, how many movies did you guys watch in 2010? Me, I kept a running list of every movie I saw during the course of that year, from New Year’s Day ’10 to Christmas ’10 – 152 movies in total. Let’s take a look, shall we?
Night at the Museum (January 1, 2010)
I remember I was house-sitting at my sister’s apartment on New Year’s Day for some reason, and this movie came on television. I knew at the time that I was going to be making this list, and I was embarrassed for Night at the Museum to be the first movie of the year, but I watched it anyway, and found it to be mostly delightful.
Batman Begins (January 3, 2010)
The Dark Knight (January 4, 2010)
Looks like someone was in an especially Batmanny mood as the new year’s festivities died down! And I notice that as I write this, it is once again January 3rd. Perhaps I will make this an annual tradition!
Jennifer’s Body (January 21, 2010)
After over two movieless weeks, I rented Jennifer’s Body from one of those Redbox machines, and found it to be surprisingly fun movie. Bonus points for the prominent inclusion of a Screeching Weasel song!
Black Roses (January 22, 2010)
It’s fun to look back at my movie-watching habits. In this case, it’s pretty obvious that Jennifer’s Body got me stoked on Satanic rock n’ roll movies, so I revisited my favorite film in this subgenre. Black Roses is awesome and if you haven’t seen it, you should check it out. Great music, hilarious special effects, and Big Pussy from The Sopranos being eaten alive by an evil stereo speaker. What’s not to love?
Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths (February 20, 2010)
Following a month-long hiatus, I returned to movie-watching with the newest (at the time) DC animated feature. I barely remember this one, except that I thought it was pretty meh.
Friday the 13th (2009) (February 24, 2010)
After multiple missed connections, I finally had an uninterrupted full viewing of the Friday the 13th reboot. Fuck the haters; this movie is great! Classic Jason.
Quarantine (February 25, 2010)
Back in 2009, I saw Quarantine in the theater while extremely drunk and high, and it scared the living shit out of me. It was one of those rare experiences where I had absolutely zero knowledge of the movie before seeing it – no idea it was a remake, no idea it was a first-person thingie, no idea zombies were involved. That’s the perfect way to see a movie, and it was very effective for me. It shook me up in a way that few horror movies can anymore. Upon rewatching it, I realized it was probably mostly the drugs.
Paranormal Activity (Rifftrax version) (February 26, 2010)
I saw this one in the theater too, but it was the almost exact opposite situation from Quarantine. This time, I knew all about it, and I was warned that it was the single scariest movie of all time and that after seeing it, I’d be sleepless and terrified for days, unable to blink without fear that ghosts and devils would rape and kill me. So while this wasn’t a bad movie really, it was pretty fucking disappointing how completely unscary it was. The Rifftrax version, which focused primarily on the unpleasantness of the lead actors and the cheapness of the scares, was a riot.
The Ring (March 1, 2010)
This was my first time seeing The Ring (the American version), and I thought it was fantastic. The fly crawling on the video monitor especially freaked me out.
The Carter (March 6, 2010)
This is a documentary about the rapper Lil Wayne, and how much he enjoys abusing cough syrup. It is simultaneous funny, infuriating, and deeply depressing, which is pretty much exactly what I’m looking for in a documentary.
The Silence of the Lambs (March 6, 2010)
Se7en (March 6, 2010)
Obviously, I woke up on March 6 with a craving for mainstream serial killer thrillers, and so I watched two of the best ones ever made. What’s in the box what’s in the box????
The Crazies (March 8, 2010)
This was the boring-ass original. I actually just watched the 2010 remake yesterday (January 2, 2011), and it’s a huge improvement in every way.
Fantastic Mr. Fox (March 9, 2010)
I saw this on an airplane, and I remember having extremely mixed feelings about it at the time. I felt like it couldn’t quite decide what type of movie it wanted to be: a quirky kid’s movie, or a mumbly emo movie for assholes in scarves and Weezer glasses. I think I enjoyed it for the most part. but that doesn’t mean much when the only competition for entertainment is the SkyMall catalog or a view of seven thousand boring clouds. This is one I’ll definitely have to revisit.
Terminator Salvation (Rifftrax version) (March 14, 2010)
Total piece of shit. Made T3 seem like T2, or at least like T1. Rifftrax helped make this heap of vomit watchable, but not much.
Predator (March 15, 2010)
The Muppet Movie (March 16, 2010)
I must have had the mid-March blues, due to the extreme “comfort food” nature of these choices. Two movies I’ve seen 900 times, but will never get sick of.
Survival of the Dead (March 19, 2010)
After the disappointing Land of the Dead and the completely awful Diary of the Dead, this was Romero’s last chance to redeem his Living Dead franchise, or forever gain George Lucas status in my eyes. He failed, big time. Survival of the Dead fucking sucks.
Sherlock Holmes (March 19, 2010)
I finally saw the sexy, adrenalized, gangsta-as-fuck Robert Downey Jr. version of Sherlock Holmes and I loved every minute of it. Can’t wait for a sequel!
Something Wicked This Way Comes (March 19, 2010)
As a kid, I was scared to fucking death by this movie. As an adult, I found it charming, clever, and almost unbearably nostalgic.
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (March 25, 2010)
I totally loved the first Transformers movie. I know I’m in the minority there, but I thought it had the feel of awesome 80’s movies like Back to the Future or Weird Science where the crazy sci-fi elements were really just backdrop for a goofy teenie-bopper romance story. That movie was about a lovable nerd trying to get with a popular hot chick, except sometimes there were giant robots running around and peeing on things. The sequel was disappointing in that it was really just a boring failure of an action movie about robots fighting with each other. Get your giant fighting robots out of my Transformers movies, Hollywood!
The Leech Woman (MST3K version) (March 27, 2010)
I don’t really remember this specific episode, but Mystery Science Theater 3000 is always awesome, so I’m sure I enjoyed myself.
The Princess and the Frog (April 9, 2010)
Disney’s triumphant return to traditional animation gave us our first African-American Disney princess, as well as many other memorable and charming characters. This movie was wonderful, and more importantly it was the most beautiful-looking cartoon movie in years and years. I really hope it’s not the last we’ve seen of traditionally animated feature films. I’m sick of watching movies where a bunch of plastic action figures are running around making fart jokes.
Atlantis: The Last Empire (April 10, 2010)
The Princess and the Frog got me in the mood to check out some of the Disney movies I’d missed out on, and this one was really fun. It reminds me more of something like The Black Cauldron than more traditional Disney fare, but I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing.
Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me (April 10, 2010)
I had recently finished watching the entire TV series, even suffering through the near-unwatchable second season, and I guess I had Twin Peaks fever. The film unfortunately dropped much of the TV show’s quirky humor, and ramped up the David Lynch weirdness to a factor of ten thousand, but I still dug it. Plus, we saw Laura Palmer’s boobs! Name another network TV character whose boobs you eventually got to see!
Inglorious Basterds (April 14, 2010)
I’m pretty sick of Quentin Tarantino. The second chapter of Kill Bill was a tremendous bore, and his half of Grind House pretty much put the nail in his coffin for me. So it was in spite of my own grumpiness that I found myself completely on board with this movie. Totally all-American, comic-booky, Nazi-killing fantasy escapism.
Con Air (April 16, 2010)
This movie is the reason that I am a Nicholas Cage fetishist. One of the stupidest, funniest, ass-kickingest action movies of all time, featuring a huge cast of lovably moronic characters and more amazing one-liners than any of us deserve. Put the bunny in the box, you guys!
Eight-Legged Freaks (April 16, 2010)
Probably my favorite monster spider movie. An added bonus is Scarlett Johansson looking way too young to be as hot as she is, which is my favorite kind of hot.
Road House (Rifftrax version) (April 18, 2010)
This was my first time seeing one of the all time so-bad-it’s-good classics, and it lived up to all my expectations. If memory serves, this was one of those Rifftrax where it’s just Mike Nelson, and it wasn’t one of the funnier ones. In retrospect, I wish my first viewing of this was Rifftrax-less, but live and learn I guess.
Triangle (April 21, 2010)
I went into Triangle expecting a fun horror movie, and what I got was one of the most thought-provoking, interesting mind-fucks of a movie I’ve ever seen. Plus it also has fun horror stuff! The next time some asshole is telling you that Inception fucked their brain, force them to watch this movie and then watch their stupid ugly head explode. My highest recommendation.
Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone (Rifftrax version) (April 21, 2010)
I hate Harry Potter. Childish, pandering horseshit that cynically steals every awesome element of much better stories and pretends to be something new and exciting. It fills me with rage that grown-ass adults feel comfortable reading these baby stories on the subway, and yet I feel shame when I pull out a Batman comic book. Luckily, the Rifftrax guys completely agree with me on this, and churn out one of their funniest and most biting riffs. If, like me, you don’t get the whole Harry Potter thing, you should definitely check this out.
Lost Highway (April 23, 2010)
Fuck this movie.
Beowulf (April 26, 2010)
Ughhhh, I wanted to like this so bad. Robert Zemeckis and Neil Gaiman retelling one of the coolest fucking stories of all time. And it’s almost a good movie. I mean, Beowulf is kind of an awkward, difficult-to-adapt story by modern standards, and all the changes the movie makes are the right ones. Crispin Glover’s interpretation of Grendel is perfect, and I don’t even mind the fact that Grendel’s mother is now a hot-ass naked waterwhore. I think at the end of the day, I just absolutely hate the way this movie looks. After The Polar Express became a total laughing stock, why oh why does Robert Zemeckis still think this weird uncanny valley performance-capture bullshit is still a cool way to tell a story? It’s ugly and creepy! The worst thing is that Zemeckis has been talking about applying this method to Roger Rabbit! Don’t do it, you bastard!!
Knowing (April 27, 2010)
My love affair with Nicholas Cage’s hilarious face continues. Knowing is really something else. The interesting thing about it is that throughout the whole movie you’ll be saying to yourself, “Wow this is retarded. I’ve seen retarded movies before, but it doesn’t get much more retarded than this.” And then, in the surprise twist at the end, the movie manages to increase its own retardedness tenfold, making the rest of the movie seem relatively non-retarded by comparison. If that’s the kind of retarded shit that gets you off, by all means check out this movie.
Face/Off (April 27, 2010)
Hah, I am so adorably predictable! I just had to have more! Face/Off is an absolute classic, second only to Con Air in the pantheon of Nicholas Cage making a total dick of himself. This one is especially fun because you get to see Cage and John Travolta – two of the most talentless-yet-infectiously-charismatic actors in history – attempt to do clever impersonations of each other. I assume you’ve already seen this 100 times, so I’ll stop talking about it now. If you haven’t, fuck you.
Hot Rod (April 28, 2010)
This is an okay comedy, starring the guy who sings about being on a boat on SNL. I am pretty picky when it comes to comedies, I guess, but I don’t think this is the brilliant, overlooked masterpiece that most of my peers think it is. It does have a lot of funny moments though, and you could do worse if you’re stoned as hell and have a Sunday afternoon to kill.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (Rifftrax version) (April 28, 2010)
See above. This one is just as funny as The Sorcerer’s Stone, for all the same reasons.
Timecrimes (April 29, 2010)
After seeing Triangle, I did some google searching to try to find other similar movies to check out, and this low-budget Spanish film was one that pretty much everybody was unanimously raving about. Honestly, maybe it’s because I saw the far superior Triangle first, but I don’t really see what the big fucking deal is about this one. It’s boring, kind of dumb, and pretty straightforward. It’s not a bad movie or anything, but despite what the internet says, there are lots of way better time-related mindfuckers. Triangle and Primer, for starters. Prioritize those before Timecrimes.
Next (Rifftrax version) (April 30, 2010)
Another goofy Nicholas Cage movie, but this one is more boring than fun for the most part. Rifftrax helps, but not much. After the insane genuis of Knowing, this one was a bit of a disappointment.
Crossroads (Rifftrax version) (April 30, 2010)
What is there to say? I finally checked out the Britney Spears movie, and Rifftrax made it awesome. Damn, Britney was hot back then.
Strangers on a Train (May 2, 2010)
The Birds (May 2, 2010)
Having never seen much besides Psycho and a DVD of the original The 39 Steps that I bought at the dollar store, I decided it was time I got around to getting into Hitchcock. I think these were good choices to start with. Strangers on a Train was exciting and tense (even if it wasn’t quite what I expected), but The Birds is the real winner here. This is the kind of movie that you can’t grow up without knowing at least a little bit about. Like most people, I knew it was about a bunch of birds that mysteriously showed up and fucked people up. What I didn’t expect was for a movie about birds to be so god damn scary! Seriously, this shit had me crossing the street to avoid pigeons for a week. I guess that’s what makes Hitchcock Hitchcock. Hitchcock.
A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) (May 3, 2010)
Once again, fuck the haterz; this movie rules. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that if you have a major problem with this film, I call your Krueger fandom into question! Look, I get it. I’m a fanboy too, and I can’t help from comparing this to the original movies either. But two things: First of all, the original movies are, for the most part, just as retarded as this, if not more so. And secondly, if Hollywood shared this kind of stubborn reverence, then A Nightmare on Elm Street would die with Robert Englund. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want my grandchildren to live in a world where they can’t go see these movies! Did Frankenstein die with Karloff? Did Dracula die with Lugosi? As a fan of Freddy, I would like to see him achieve the same timelessness as the awesome movie monsters that came before him, and that means that this kind of thing has to happen. But besides all that, I just thought this movie was pretty great. By bringing the rapey undertones of the original movie front and center, Rorschach actually made Freddy scary again. Hell, even the way he delivers Freddy’s signature one-liners comes off as bone-chilling instead of Bugs Bunny-ish. I loved the shit out of this movie, and if you hating-ass motherfuckers manage to kill the Nightmare franchise with your pathetic shit talk, I swear to god I will haunt your dreams. Welcome to prime time, bitches.
A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) (May 3, 2010)
And of course I ran home like a giddy little schoolgirl and watched the original. And guess what? Even in this movie, Robert Englund is nowhere near as scary as Rorschach! But whatever, this is still a fantastic film that holds up shockingly well.
Avatar (May 5, 2010)
Avatar is not fun, imaginative, beautiful or magical. Avatar is soulless, cynical, insipid, and emotionally dead. I watch a lot of bad movies, some of them fun-bad and some of them depressing-bad, but very few fill me with dread for the future of the medium the way Avatar does. Avatar makes J.K. Rowling seem like Madeline L’Engle. If this is the kind of fantasy movie that kids nowadays have to wrap their imaginations around, then we’re all fucked. Fuck Avatar.
A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (May 6, 2010)
After seeing the original and remake of Nightmare on Elm Street, I was on a Nancy Thompson kick, so I decided to rewatch all the installments that featured that character. As you might have guessed if you read this blog, Dream Warriors is by far my favorite film of the franchise. I love the idea of this group of outcasted, fucked up kids finding each other, and helping each other explore their gifts, before teaming up to take on the dream demon that plagues them. Plus, it has some of the best kills in the whole series!
Wes Craven’s New Nightmare (May 7, 2010)
New Nightmare is not a bad movie by any means, but it is a fucking crazy movie that I am still shocked actually got made. For some reason, the idea of Heather Langenkamp playing herself, and pretending that her own family – not her character’s family, but her family – are being killed and stalked by a nightmare rape monster… well, that just seems crazy to me. But I guess for Heather, it was probably this or Burger King commercials. I like this movie just for it’s sheer balls-on-the-table weirdness, but for the most part it’s pretty crazy and stupid. The thing that bothers me the most is that this is supposed to be a darker, scarier, more visceral version of Freddy, but to me it just seems like the same goofy cornball, just in a more retarded outfit. Anyway, this movie is worth watching, if only just to imagine a world where Heather Langenkamp and John Saxon hang out on park benches together.
Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (Rifftrax version) (May 11, 2010)
I will say this for the Fantastic Four movies: they have the right idea. Like the Spider-Man movies, they avoid the trap of taking themselves too seriously, and actively pursue the silly, fun spirit of the comic books they’re based on. But they suffer from mediocre writing, some really shitty casting, and from a mindblowingly misguided characterization of Dr. Doom. It’s really frustrating to me, because in my mind, these movies almost got it right, but ultimately didn’t. Anyway, I don’t even remember the Rifftrax for this one. I’m sure it was funny.
Drag Me to Hell (May 13, 2010)
After the embarrassingly bad Spider-Man 3, Sam Raimi returns to his horror roots and delivers a fun, hilarious, creepy movie that will surely appeal to any fans of Evil Dead and shit like that. Beyond the hilariously vicious old lady that everybody knows about, this movie features spontaneous projectile blood vomiting, talking demon goats, and tons of other similarly great “what the fuck am I watching??” moments. Unlike other old-school horror guys who have gone Hollywood, Raimi still knows exactly what he’s doing when it comes to movies like this, and I’m so glad Drag Me to Hell exists.
Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief (May 15, 2010)
Thought not a perfect movie, Percy Jackson offers about ten times as much charm and imagination as anything Harry Potter-related. And so, of course, it was a tremendous flop. Shrug.
Kick-Ass (May 15, 2010)
The fact that it features Nicholas Cage in a performance that is non-ironically good is only one of the many ways this movie manages to surprise and delight. Deconstructionist superhero stories are almost more prevalent than regular superhero stories these days, and none of them will ever achieve the greatness of Watchmen (or, for that matter, The Tick), but Kick-Ass proves that there’s still some great new ideas to be had. Those great ideas + Nicholas Cage as Batman + an 8-year-old girl calling people cunts and then violently killing them = one of the best movies of the year.
Anvil: The Story of Anvil (May 15, 2010)
This is one of those documentaries that is pretty depressing, and doesn’t really get any less depressing by the end, but sort of serves as its own happy ending by way of its existence and success. Even though the manically-ambitious-but-consistently-unsuccessful metal band Anvil never really get anywhere within the timeframe of the movie, it’s nice to know that they enjoyed a huge wave of popularity (and, hopefully, money) due to the film. It’s just a shame that Anvil kinda suck a little too much to ride that wave very far, so I hope they’ve been saving their money!
Trick ‘r Treat (May 16, 2010)
Later in the year, in late October to be exact, I saw this again at a midnight showing in some movie theater, with a fun crowd of like-minded dudes and dudettes. I really wish that had been my first time seeing it, because it was perfect (even if it did cause me to be super tired at ComicCon). As far as I’m concerned, Trick ‘r Treat is the most perfect Halloween movie ever made. Channeling the spirit of shit like Tales From the Crypt, this is an anthology of several Halloween night going-on’s in Everytown, USA, which all tie together in awesomely fiendish ways. In a perfect world, watching this movie would be a lifelong tradition for every kid and kid-at-heart at Halloween. It sure will be for me.
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (May 16, 2010)
I am very wary of any computer-animated movie that isn’t made by Pixar. I just assume they will all be awful pieces of phoned-in garbage like Shrek or Ice Age. So I was very hesitant to check out this Meatball movie, even after people I respect told me it was great, but boy did it ever surprise me! Sure, it looks hideously ugly, just like any other non-Pixar CGI cartoon, but this movie is laugh-out-loud-in-the-living-room-by-yourself hilarious, and has that heart and sense of wonder that are completely absent in the crapheaps I mentioned above. If you’re like me, and movies like this make you raise a cynical eyebrow, do yourself a favor and give this one a chance to defy your expectations.
Shutter Island (May 18, 2010)
This is one of those instances where I’d heard about this movie’s shocking twist ending before I saw it, but let’s face it, I almost certainly would have called it anyway. Despite that, I really enjoyed this movie. The ending is kind of whatever, but it’s a great ride up until then, due in no small part to the atmosphere generated by its fantastic setting. I am a total sucker for anything that takes place in an isolated, dank, Arkham-esque crazyhouse, so my enjoyment of this one was kind of a foregone conclusion.
Alice in Wonderland (2010) (May 19, 2010)
Let’s get this out of the way: I love Tim Burton. I admit it. I like every movie he’s ever made, including the universally-hated sneer-targets Planet of the Apes and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. But I hated Alice in Wonderland. That “this guy is fucking done” feeling that most people felt when they saw the ape movie; I didn’t feel it until I saw this seemingly perfect match-up – Disney and Burton and Alice in Wonderland – fall the fuck apart before my eyes. I still am depressed about it. I…I don’t want to talk about this anymore.
The Human Centipede (First Sequence) (May 22, 2010)
Forget what you’ve heard: The Human Centipede isn’t really all that gross, and it’s actually a pretty damn good movie. This is due almost in full to the enthusiastic performance of Dieter Laser as the doctor who dreams of sewing people’s mouths to other people’s assholes. He turns what could have been a really boring, pointless movie into a fantastically entertaining old-fashioned mad scientist tale, the likes of which I haven’t seen in a long long time. Laser is Dr. Frankenstein and the stitched-together shit-eaters are his ever-suffering monster. I cannot wait for the sequel, and in the meantime I’ll keep myself busy playing the unofficial video game adaptation.
Iron Man 2 (May 24, 2010)
This movie wasn’t quite as horribly disappointing as Spider-Man 3, but it was pretty damn close. It’s unbelievable that the quality of the first film couldn’t even carry over into one lousy sequel. Usually superhero franchises don’t start to suck this badly until the third installment.
Nick Fury: Agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. (May 25, 2010)
After seeing Samuel L. Jackson’s portrayal of Nick Fury, I wanted to see how Hasselhoff did. He did awesomely, in case you were wondering, but that’s about the only awesome thing about the film. This is a made-for-TV movie that served as a pilot for a series that never happened, and it totally feels that way. The weirdest thing about it is that the plot has Nick Fury, the main character, be deathly ill throughout the movie, so we never really get to see him at his full ass-kicking potential. This thing is exactly the kind of mess that I usually would fall completely in love with, but unfortunately the failures here lead to boredom more often than laughter.
The Wolfman (2010) (May 27, 2010)
I don’t know why I thought this would be a good movie, but for some reason I did. And it’s not. I will say this: the wolfman rampage scenes (all two of them) are really well-done, but everything else is a complete bore. Unless you want to see British people talking to each other a lot, and a CGI bear that doesn’t do anything but stand around (unlike CGI bears who water ski), avoid this piece of shit.
Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (May 27, 2010)
This movie is everything that Scream aspired to be, but fell short of. This movie is the Zombie Survival Guide of slasher flicks, a tongue-in-cheek but still reverent love letter to all the great horror movies we grew up with. I can’t recommend this shit enough.
Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy (May 28, 2010)
This four-hour long (!) documentary is essential viewing for any fan of the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise. Completely exhaustive, it goes into extensive details on every one of the films (excluding the 2010 remake), and features tons of revealing interviews from everyone involved (except Johnny Depp of course). It also has one of my favorite moments ever: Robert Englund, in full Freddy makeup, having a whiny meltdown and bitching people out between takes. Must see.
My Name is Bruce (May 29, 2010)
Unfunny, obnoxious, self-indulgent bullshit that pretty much ruined my love and appreciation of Bruce Campbell. If you like Bruce, and you want to keep liking him, avoid the temptation to see this movie. It does have a pretty catchy theme song though, but you should just listen to that here and skip the rest:
Brüno (June 1, 2010)
I really liked the Borat movie, but I hated this one. Is that weird? I just found this one to be extremely mean-spirited and perhaps more importantly, rarely funny. There are a handful of great moments, but not enough to justify the shitty moments.
Devil Times Five (June 1, 2010)
If you’re into creepy, evil little kids (and who isn’t?), this is a movie you should definitely check out. Lots of good kills here, and some great creeptastic performances by the kids, including a young Lief Garrett.
The Onion Movie (June 2, 2010)
I love The Onion, but holy fuck is this movie bad. I figured this would be like a fake news broadcast, cutting away to fake news reports, which would have the potential of delivering the same type of humor the newspaper does, but for some reason they went a different route with this movie. Imagine the worst sketch comedy you’ve ever seen in your life, add in a shitty story that half-assedly ties the sketches together, and then kill yourself.
Tales From the Crypt (1972) (June 10, 2010)
This is a British adaptation of the EC Comics that far predates the HBO TV series. All of the stories told in this anthology were later adapted for the TV show, and in most cases, the TV versions are better. Still, this film is also quite good and well worth watching, if only to see another version of that one Santa Claus episode. Oh yeah, and word of warning, boys and ghouls: this movie’s version of the Crypt Keeper is more in line with the character from the original comic books, so he looks like this:
Don’t say I didn’t warn you, kiddies! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!!
Battle Royale (June 11, 2010)
Tokyo Gore Police (June 11, 2010)
If memory serves, some friends and I got together for an awesome Japanese movie night on this date. Battle Royale obviously needs no explanation, because it’s one of the best movies of all time. If you don’t already know and love it, you’re an asshole and I hate you. Tokyo Gore Police is also something really special. In a dystopian future Tokyo, people suffer from a disease that causes their limbs to grow back as deadly weapons after they are chopped off. These weapons vary wildly, from cannons to swords to – I shit you not – alligator heads. As you can imagine, this makes for a fucking non-stop thrill ride as a hot Japanese girl battles one insane creation after another, with comically unrealistic blood constantly spraying all over the place. See this movie as soon as possible, and then see it again and again.
The A-Team (June 14, 2010)
I’m a huge A-Team fan, and to my surprise, this movie totally gets it. The highest praise I can give it is to say that about 30 minutes into the film, I pretty much completely forgot I was looking at Liam Neeson and the shithead from District 9 and some ultimate fighter, and I just felt like I was watching the A-Team! All the performances are home runs, the story is fun and maintains the spirit of the TV show, and the action is completely over-the-top and exhilarating. I loved this movie!
The Vault of Horror (June 16, 2010)
This is the sequel to the British Tales From the Crypt movie I saw on June 10th, and it’s pretty much more of the same. Unfortunately the stories chosen for this one are collectively more boring than the ones chosen for the original, which kicks the quality of this one down a few notches.
Alien (June 18, 2010)
Aliens (June 18, 2010)
Believe it or not, I had somehow never seen these movies before, so I decided it was time to change that. Guess what? After years of hearing people say that the sequel is way better than the original, I found that I had the exact opposite opinion. The first film is really unique… its bread and butter is tense, claustrophobic, quietly chilling dread, and I bought into it hook, line and sinker. The second one just seemed like a run-of-the-mill action movie with a bunch of people fighting a bunch of aliens with a bunch of guns. Shrug. To each their own, I guess.
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (June 20, 2010)
This was another one I’d never seen before, and I loved it, of course! But more than anything else, this movie made me abandon the last little scraps of respect I still had for Quentin Tarantino, as I realized that everything he had in his bag of tricks was stolen from this movie from 1966. Quentin Tarantino, you are a fucking cover band.
Goodfellas (June 20, 2010)
[REC] (June 20, 2010)
I honestly don’t see why people shit on Quarantine so much, while praising [REC]. I mean, obviously this one came first, but as far as I can tell they’re pretty much exactly the same movie in every way, except one’s in Spanish and one’s in English. And they’re both really good! I guess my final decision is that the original is a little bit better, just because the Spanish girl in this one is hotter than Dexter’s sister. Besides that, if you honestly consider these two movies on vastly different levels of quality, I think you’re a little bit insane.
District 9 (June 20, 2010)
This movie really seemed to polarize people, at least the people I spoke to about it before seeing it. Either it as breathtakingly brilliant social commentary or it was overblown pretentious crap. I finally got around to watching it, and I thought it was… okay? It was pretty good? I mostly just find it strange that anyone could have a really strong opinion about it one way or another!
Toy Story 3 (June 22, 2010)
I don’t know what I could say about Toy Story 3 that hasn’t been said a million times before, but yeah, it’s a masterpiece. The scene where the toys hold each other’s hands and accept their imminent death got to me of course, but not quite as much as the final scene in the movie. Andy realizing that, yes, he has to let go of his childhood and grow into a man, but that he doesn’t have to let those joys die if he can pass them on to the next generation….. guhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. When Woody waved goodbye to him, I fucking lost it. Steamed the fuck out of my 3D glasses. I still feel melancholy just thinking about it. I hope they don’t make any more sequels, because Toy Story 3 was the perfect, perfect way to wrap this story up.
I agree with the general consensus that this film was both funny and touching, but am I alone in thinking it’s kind of, I dunno, emotionally irresponsible? I mean, the whole lesson that you’re supposed to get from this is that we are not prisoners of our own past mistakes, and that we can eradicate regret and become masters of our fates, but these things are achieved in the movie in a way that is impossible to emulate in real life. Sure we can do all those things… if we have access to a fucking time machine! I dunno, I’m probably just weird. Funny movie though.
Holy fuck, Riverworld is something else. A Sci-Fi (excuse me, SyFy) original movie about a fictional afterlife in which every human who ever lived gets warped to a dreamy riverside community after they die. When I said “every human who ever lived” just now, you probably already guessed that Francisco Pizarro and a young Mark Twain are main characters, right? Of course you did. The movie is obviously really dumb because
How come nobody ever talks about how great Predators was? It was great! After the ridiculous Alien vs. Predator movies, this franchise returns to its roots, and delivers an experience that feels in every way like a continuation of the original Predator. Yet all you ever hear about it is that Laurence Fishburne was super fat in it! And don’t get me wrong – he was super fat, but that’s only one of this movie’s many charming elements! If you missed this in the theaters, and you’re a fan of the original, go check it out!
In the tradition of some of my all-time favorites like Head of the Family and Jack Frost, ThanksKilling is an absurd straight-to-video horror flick that features a ridiculous and hilarious killer. In this case, it’s an amazingly crappy-looking turkey puppet who, for reasons too silly to describe, decides to torment a group of almost unbelievably ugly and talentless college kids. This is one of the funnier movies of this type that I’ve seen in a long time, and I guarantee you and your friends will enjoy a group viewing of it, so long as you’re not a bunch of joyless assholes.
Return of the Living Dead: Rave to the Grave (October 31, 2010)
Halloween movie night at my apartment! I’d stubbornly avoided the newish Return of the Living Dead movies for years, so imagine my surprise at how delightful this installment was! It’s funny as hell, and very true to the spirit of the franchise. If, like me, you’ve been assuming that anything with the subtitle Rave to the Grave would be totally obnoxious (a fair assumption, I’ll admit), stop being an asshole and let this movie into your heart.
Ghoulies Go to College (October 31, 2010)
Did you have any idea that this movie existed?? Neither did I, until I stumbled upon a torrent of it on October 30th. I figured it’d be perfect Halloween fare, and by god I was right! This is the Gremlins 2 of the Ghoulies franchise, where everyone involved throw their hands up, say “fuck it,” and just make the most insane movie imaginable. Case in point: the Ghoulies somehow find a bomb and they hurl it at the antagonistic college security officer, who is riding by on a golf cart. He catches it his hands and says, “Oh, it’s a bomb.” Then he looks directly at the camera and says “A b-b-b-b-BOMB???” immediately before it explodes. When the dust clears, he has a soot-covered face, shredded clothing, and a hangdog expression, just like Elmer Fudd. That’s the kind of movie Ghoulies Go to College is, and every single frame of it is a precious gift from the heavens. What a great Halloween!
The Mist (November 1, 2010)
Having just seen the premiere of The Walking Dead on Halloween night, I had a hankering to watch Frank Darabont’s previous foray into horror. I assume everybody already knows and loves The Mist, right? If you’ve heard me blab about movies (or even if you’ve read this blog post up to this point), you probably know I have a serious aversion to CGI bullshit. Well, The Mist has some of the best-looking CGI creatures I have ever seen in a movie. The huge tall thing at the end freaks me the fuck out every time. Hey, is it true that the DVD comes with a version of the film in black and white? I have to check that out.
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (November 5, 2010)
I had recently read the Scott Pilgrim graphic novels when I saw the movie, so they were pretty fresh in my mind. I thought the movie was a pretty impressive adaptation, but two pretty important things bugged me a lot. First of all, this morlock freak Michael Cera is horrible, horrible casting for the role of Scott Pilgrim. Since the X-Men films taught me to be tolerant of mutants, I don’t really have a problem with Cera in general, but he’s just entirely inappropriate for this role. My second problem was that they changed the ending in a way that kind of flipped the entire point of the story on its head. I don’t wanna expand on that in case you haven’t read it, but take my word: the ending of the book is way better. Anyway, those are two pretty big problems for a movie to overcome, but somehow this one does, and actually manages to be pretty excellent. Plus, I am madly in love with Ramona Flowers, and the girl they got to play her is the most beautiful girl who has ever lived.
My Mom’s a Werewolf (November 5, 2010)
Other than the fact that it’s a typically screwy 80’s comedy about a mom who has an affair with a werewolf and then becomes a werewolf herself, I remember literally nothing about this movie, not even whether or not I liked it. I don’t think I was paying very much attention when I watched it. Sorry, guys! The IMDB page is linked right up there!
Street Trash (November 6, 2010)
What a great night! As for the movie itself, if you haven’t seen it, make sure to seek it out. It’s a ton of fun!
Best Worst Movie (November 9, 2010)
This is a documentary about the film Troll 2, a low-budget horror film from 1990 that gained a rabid cult following who revere it as the worst movie of all time. Being a fan of Troll 2 (as I am) makes this way better, but I would guess that it’s not necessary and that Best Worst Movie could stand on its own two feet. The filmmaker catches up with the cast and crew of the original movie, and explores their reaction to the cult phenomenon that has built up around this formerly dark spot on their resumes. Like all good documentaries of this nature, this one makes it work by showcasing an instantly likeable protagonist, Troll 2 star George Hardy, now a happy-go-lucky smalltown dentist. It’s not all feel good sunshine though; it can be rough watching Hardy’s initial enthusiasm about his newly-discovered fame slowly start to crumble into jaded bitterness. At times, this movie will bum you out. But the majority of it will have you grinning ear to ear. If you’re a fan of bad movies, irony, and human beings, you will probably love Best Worst Movie.
Ghoulies II (November 10, 2010)
After seeing Ghoulies Go to College, I revisited this installment on Netflix. It was, of course, just as awesome as it was when I was a kid. But I honestly think Ghoulies Go to College is way better.
The Descent: Part 2 (November 13, 2010)
I saw the original Descent in theaters, and actually thought it was pretty good. The sequel isn’t completely awful, but it is significantly, significantly worse. It picks up right where the original left off, and contrives a really stupid reason for The Descent‘s sole survivor to immediately go back into the horrible cave of monsters. The idea that someone would escape from that cave and then, under any circumstances, turn around and go right back in is so ridiculous that it pretty much turned me off to the whole story right from the get go. But, there’s some cool shit with monsters and whatnot, so whatever, I didn’t turn it off or anything.
Monsters (November 16, 2010)
Do not believe the hype. Monsters is an embarrassing piece of shit. I felt ashamed of myself after watching it. The concept of a mumblecore monster movie is bizarre enough to be really intriguing, and maybe it could work someday, but it doesn’t work here. You will be ashamed of yourself for having sat through this garbage. Avoid.
Back to the Future Part II (November 20, 2010)
Back to the Future Part III (November 20, 2010)
I caught the last 2/3 of a Back to the Future marathon on television. Back to the Future is one of those movies where if you’re flipping the channels and stumble across it, that’s it, you’re fucked. You’re sitting there and watching the whole god damn thing, whether you want to or not. Perhaps you’ll sit there still holding the remote towards the screen, intending to change the channel in a minute or two. But you won’t. You’ll watch the whole fucking thing. If an evil dictator ever wants to make everyone in America starve to death, all he’ll have to do is put this trilogy on TV 24 hours a day every day. We’ll all die like assholes on our couches. And we’ll die happy.
Secret Origin: The Story of DC Comics (November 25, 2010)
A self-indulgent fluff piece made by DC themselves, this documentary features a bunch of talking heads hyperbolizing about how Superman and Green Lantern are the most important parables in the history of human culture. And I loved every stupid minute of it, because they’re right.
Jonah Hex (November 27, 2010)
I love Jonah Hex, and I was hoping this would be another Daredevil-type situation; that the movie’s much-hyped awfulness would turn out to be a bit of an exaggeration. Sadly, that is not the case. If anything Jonah Hex is even worse than you think it is. It’s barely even a western! Fuck every single person involved with this disgraceful abortion.
Tangled (November 27, 2010)
Tangled is, by far, the best movie released in 2010, and for me it was also the biggest surprise. When some friends invited me to see this, I shrugged and went along, but I didn’t have high hopes. I haven’t really enjoyed any of Disney’s non-Pixar CGI cartoons (Chicken Little, Bolt, etc.), and this one’s retarded and misleading marketing campaign made it seem especially Shrek-ish. But this is the purest Disney film in years. No irony, no tongue-in-cheek references to modern pop culture, no fucking Smashmouth. Just pure Disney fairy tale magic. Even though it’s computer animated, Tangled‘s sweet story, actually funny humor, and memorable songs (by Alan Menken, no less) give this movie the feel of classic early-90’s era Disney. Tangled is better than Toy Story 3. Tangled is better than The Princess and the Frog. Tangled is the simply best Disney animated feature since The Lion King. Ignore its stupid title and embarrassing marketing campaign – if you’ve ever been a Disney fan, you have to see Tangled.
The Thing With Two Heads (December 3, 2010)
A trailer for The Thing With Two Heads played before the aforementioned showing of Street Trash, and it had the crowd in stitches. When I noticed it was available for instant viewing on Netflix, I excitedly added it to my queue. But it turns out, the trailer is way more entertaining than the movie itself, which is slow and boring and not really very fun to watch. Sometimes less is more.
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (December 3, 2010)
I doubt I need to tell you that this movie sucks, do I? It was probably even worse for me because, nancyboy that I am, I never really got into G.I. Joe as a kid. So even those “oh hey it’s that guy” moments were lost on me. A couple of this movie’s action sequences were very exciting, particularly a high-speed chase through the streets of Paris, but that’s not enough to make it worth watching. I guess they can’t all be Transformers.
Legion (December 3, 2010)
Holy fucking shit, this movie stars Keamy from Lost as the archangel Gabriel. Need I say more? Okay: It’s slightly less retarded than you’d expect a movie that stars Keamy from Lost as the archangel Gabriel to be, but that still makes it mind-blowingly retarded.
Serenity (December 11, 2010)
I had just finished watching the entire run of the TV show Firefly and I followed it up with this theatrical continuation of the series. The show is absolutely fantastic (a friend described it as “The Adventures of the Millennium Falcon in the Old West” and I’d say that’s a perfect description), and the movie is an excellent supplement to it. It’s all on Netflix, so you have no excuse not to give it a try!
Walt and El Grupo (December 12, 2010)
If you’re not a rabid Disney fanatic like I am, you’ll probably be pretty bored by this documentary about Walt Disney and his creative team travelling to South America for a goodwill mission on behalf of the Roosevelt administration (a trip which resulted in films such as Saludos Amigos and The Three Caballeros). I was even bored a lot of the time. The movie’s problem is that it spends most of its time on fluffy third-hand recollections of the team’s day-to-day activities, and largely ignores the interesting geo-political implications of this sojourn that are only briefly alluded to. One thing this movie has in its favor is the video and audio footage of Walt Disney, which is more candid and honest than anything I’ve seen of the guy before. If you’re a big Disney fan or a film history buff, the movie is worth watching, but be prepared to sit through a lot of dull crap in between the interesting bits.
High School Musical (Rifftrax version) (December 13, 2010)
Man, I was expecting to love this movie. I love Hannah Montana and Zack and Cody and all that Disney Channel horseshit, so I didn’t see any reason why I would dislike High School Musical. But it’s dull, with no likeable characters, and the music is awful beyond belief. And the Rifftrax isn’t even all that funny. What a disappointment.
Winnebago Man (December 15, 2010)
I was expecting this movie to be a huge downer, but it turned out to be even less depressing than Best Worst Movie. Exploring the causes and effects of irony-based internet notoriety, this documentary catches us up with Jack Rebney, unintentional star of the extremely popular YouTube video seen here:
I say this movie is less depressing than Best Worst Movie because as batshit crazy as Jack Rebney is, and as sad as some aspects of his life seem to be, he never falls into the trap that George Hardy fell into: getting swept away by the strange glamour of his “fame.” Jack doesn’t understand it, he doesn’t want much to do with it, and he doesn’t really give a fuck. He has a great time at the one screening of his video that he attends at a Found Footage film festival, gets a kick out of meeting some fans, and then he just goes back to his regular life without the temptation to further delve into the bizarre culture that’s embraced him. Good for him! This movie is great.
Black Christmas (December 25, 2010)
Believe it or not, this was my first time seeing this! As you probably already know, it’s an awesome, sleazy, fun 70’s sorority house slasher flick, starring Margot Kidder as a drunken bitch! I’m glad I finally decided to check it out, and on Christmas Day too! Maybe next Christmas I’ll check out the remake.
So there you have it – every movie I watched in 2010! If you’ve made it this far, congratulations, you’re a better man than me! I never would have read all of this on your shitty blog. Anyway, it was a pretty good year for movies: lots of cool new releases, drunken movie nights, exciting revival screenings, and catching up with classics I’d missed out on. I’m only four movies into 2011 so far, but I can only hope that I get to see half as much cool shit in the coming year as I did in the previous. Happy new year, everybody!!