The Nintendo Resolution: Mario Golf World Tour

Mario Golf box
Console: Nintendo 3DS
Start Date: April 2, 2016
End Date: April 23, 2016

Golf games are all pretty much exactly the same, right?  There is a little cursor moving back and forth across a line, and there is a target on the line, and you push a button to try to stop the cursor as close to a target as possible.  And repeat.

Mario Golf line

Sure there’s a lot of pretty scenery to look at, but to be honest, I almost always completely ignore that shit and just concentrate on the cursor and the line.  I’m sure there’s also a degree of strategy involved with choosing clubs and whatnot too, but fuck that.  I just use whatever the game has set as the default club, and stop the cursor on the line, and wait for the game to tell me if I did a good job or not.  Over and over and over again.

Mario Golf World Tour is exactly the same game as NES Open Tournament Golf, which I used to play obsessively when I was a kid.  It’s just as dumb and pointless and addictive and wonderful.

You might think I’m not getting much out of these golf games, but I’m getting exactly what I need out of them.  Sometimes I need a mindless, repetitive activity that I can robotically play, without using my mind or even my eyes all that much.  It’s relaxing.  Picross is usually my go-to game for this sort of thing, but golf does the trick in a pinch.  I played this a lot on tour, to lull me to sleep in dingy hotel rooms, or to keep myself awake during lulls at the merch table.

My 3DS tells me that I spent about 21 hours total playing World Tour, which averages about 7 goddamn hours in each of the game’s three courses.  Look, just because this shit is mindless doesn’t mean it’s easy!  I would play these courses over and over and over again, until I finally lucked my way into 1st place, and then feel an overwhelming sense of pride that I sure as fuck didn’t earn through skill.

mario golf miiverse

I nearly pissed myself the one and only time I scored a Hole-in-One.

Mario Gold hole in one

I felt so empty inside when I finally conquered all three courses.  This bland “congratulations” from Mario and his friends was not a sufficient enough reward to make up for the fact that now I’d have to find some other brainless activity to pass away the long, dreary hours.

Mario Golf congratulations

My Cheep Cheep visor is pretty sweet though, right?

Battleground Z

Return to the Nintendo Resolution 2016 hub page

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